When Control Is a Coping Skill: What’s Under the Need to Hold It All Together
Most mornings at my house run like a tiny train station. My husband and I get up early for a long walk — we move our bodies, talk about life, solve exactly zero world problems — and then it’s beauty routine, school bags, breakfast, out the door. When the walk starts late, everything else slides, and my patience does that little poof thing.
Also true: my closet is organized by color and item, I prefer to put away the laundry myself (no shade, I just…know where the black T-shirts live), and I keep a rainbow of erasable pens. Multicolored? Yes. Permanent? Let’s not commit too quickly, thanks.
If any of that sounds familiar, you’re in kind company. A strong need for control usually isn’t a personality flaw — it’s a very devoted coping skill that once helped you feel safe.
Control is a protector, not a problem
Clients tell me:
I hate not being in control.
If I relax, something will go wrong.
It has always been this way.
When we slow down with compassion, we usually find a protector part that learned long ago: if I keep everything neat and predictable, maybe we will be okay. She is not the enemy. She is tired. She has been on security duty for years.
In session, I often ask, “How old does this part think you are?”
That simple check-in lets your adult self reassure the younger part: we are safe now, we are grown, and we can be naturally in charge without being on high alert.
Where the need for control starts
If you grew up with chaos, criticism, or caretaking adults, your nervous system reached for predictability. You learned to scan for danger, keep the peace, avoid mess, and minimize needs. Control became your alarm system. Loud. Persistent. Hard to ignore.
Trauma does not live only in thoughts. It lives in the body and in survival responses. You can understand your past perfectly and still feel your chest tighten when a plan changes or a tone shifts. That is not a mindset failure. That is your body trying to keep you safe the way it learned.
Quick self-check: is control running the show?
Hyper-vigilant planning so nothing goes wrong
Melting down (quietly) when plans change
Doing it yourself because it is “easier”
Apologizing for having needs
Rest feels unsafe or like wasted time
You are calm at H-E-B until the salsa aisle is out of your brand and then, whoops, your shoulders are at your ears
If you nodded at a few, you are in good company.
What healing looks like (we are not ripping control away)
We do not bulldoze coping skills that once kept you safe. We earn your system’s trust so control can downshift.
In therapy, I often blend:
EMDR: to reprocess the moments that installed beliefs like “It is all on me” or “I am not safe unless I manage everything.”
Parts work: to meet your inner Project Manager with curiosity and invite new teammates like the Part That Rests and the Part That Asks For Help.
DBT skills: to ride waves without white-knuckling. Think distress tolerance (TIPP), emotion regulation, and mindful pauses that keep you present when the plan changes.
A mentor once called EMDR “brain magic.” I get why. I have seen clients go from “stability is not realistic for me” to “the plan changed and I stayed present.” No personality transplant. Just a quieter alarm and more room to be human.
A tiny practice to try this week
Name. Thank. Choose.
Name the part: “Here is my Project Manager.”
Thank it: “You have worked so hard to keep us safe.”
Choose a micro-shift: “We are safe right now. I will do the good-enough version and step outside for five minutes.”
Small choices teach the body what the mind already knows: safety is possible here.
The goal is not to let go of control forever
The goal is to feel safe enough that you do not need control all the time. When safety grows inside you, control becomes a tool, not a full-time job.
If you are ready to trade hyper-management for steadier peace, I would love to help. I offer a free 15-minute consultation to see if EMDR, parts-informed therapy, and DBT might be a good fit.
